Monday, March 10, 2008

Fertility Sucks

Yesterday was my 39th birthday. I had a good time out with my husband on Saturday night. Yesterday wasn't quite what I expected as my sis-in-law had an emergency and I ended up watching her two kids, but still nice with my daughter and husband trying their best to cater to me!

The problem was that I was turning 39 years old. I had dreamed of being a mom of 3 by the time I was 25 years old and here I am 39 with only one child and no hope of another. I am tired of feeling bad and guilty all the time. I wonder if I will ever be able to let all this go. I am getting closer and closer to "MY" idea of when having another child will be too late and that is 40 years old, so I was quiet depressed by this birthday. I am sure when I hit 40, that idea will move up to 45 years old LOL after all we are human and always hoping and wishing for that which we can't have. :)

I LOVE MY child, my husband, my family, but just need that one more child to make my life complete.

Anyway, enough boo hooing for the day. Let me tell you more about us. There is my wonderful husband, my beautiful daughter, me, Snowflake, our guinea pig, three dogs, Mojo, Fred and now Roxy. Mojo is a 9 year old chocolate lab, Fred is a 15 year old sheltie and Roxy is an 11 week old rat terrier that we just got. These are my surrogate babies and always have been. If it wasn't for the fortitude of my husband we would be over run by dogs, cats and strays that I could mother LOL. We also have 3 fish that my daughter wanted. Whew... a lot of living creatures to be responsible for!! But I love it "mostly"! LOL

I watch a few friend's kids during the week and am a stay at home mom. We both thought it was important for me to be home with my daughter, so here I am watching my daughter, a 3 year old developmentally disabled little girl named Hope, a 2 and a half year old girl named Hannah, a 2 year old boy named Joey and a 6 month old girl named Chloe! Yes... that is 5 kids, three dogs, a guinea pig and three fish and YES I am totally Crazy!

This is my life right now. I am trying to find a niche where I can work and make a contribution to my family finances and still be home for my daughter. I used to run "Meals on Wheels, Chicago" downtown and worked for financial firm downtown and now I am changing diapers and wiping noses. :)

If I could just find a way to work from home without the diapers and runny noses I think my life would be complete. I DO want to be home for her, but I don't want to be reminded daily of my fertility issues by having to watch some other couple's children! But for now it keeps me home with her and keeps our heads above water!

Well, that is it for now, the kids are starting to arrive for the day. Maybe in the next few days, I will try to put down my infertility journey for everyone!